What is it about me that makes people so drawn to me? My entire life I have never had a problem making friends, and people seem to just gravitate toward me in many ways. The problem is, I really do not hold myself in that high of regard, and I generally lose just as many friends as I gain, just as quickly as I gain them. What’s worse is, I really don’t mind. Some people choose to have highly active social lives and always be surrounded by friends, and others do not. Is anyone actually “wrong”?
Lately I have been on this growing trend of alienating myself. Everyone is annoying and everything is an inconvenience. I truly enjoy a quiet weekend at home with my girlfriend and my dog more than any other activity in the world. Am I an introvert? Is there something unhealthy about this behavior? I can’t help but to feel that I am somehow wrong in what I am doing.
As a little background on me – All through high school I had a very tight-knit group of friends consisting of about 10 people. We were always out doing crazy stuff. I had a very fun-filled and active childhood, and adolescence. College was even better. I had tons of friends, was always out doing something crazy. I partied my ass off. Once I graduated and got a job I basically went into a totally different mode in my life. The mode I have been in for a while. I don’t use any drugs, I get drunk maybe twice a year, I only party on majoy holidays, and in general, I just love to relax. I barely answer my phone because I don’t want to be “bothered” and I rarely sign onto instant messengers anymore.
Strange thing is, I am completely happy with my quiet and uneventful life.
What I am wondering is: Am I actually happy with my calm life due to having “been there done that” when it comes to an overactive social life and partying, or am I misleading myself and I am not actually happy at all, and my solitude is merely a symptom of some sort of deep-rooted depression? I have no idea, and I wish I did.
I would hate to realize the wrong thing later on in life and have no friends to turn to. I started thinking on this subject late last night for some reason. Maybe it was after I had an argument with a friend, maybe it was after watching The Basketball Diaries. Either way, I am begining to wonder, why do so many people adore me so much, and why do I push them away.
I know that as a friend, I am a very good person. I realize I do have many good qualities, but I also feel I probably have more bad qualities than good. Why do I deserve so much love in my life? Why am I so hell-bent on being totally independant and nearly alone? I think I have abandonment issues.